Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
