I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
