Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
