Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
