I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
