Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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