I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
