my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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