I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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