Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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