I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
