It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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