5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
