At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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