he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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