bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
