I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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