do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
