I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
