You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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