Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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