i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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