before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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