So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
