My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
