Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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