my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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