thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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