You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every concussion has its silver lining
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
