Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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