Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
