I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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