The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize