OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
