as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
