You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
