If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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