I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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