I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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