its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dear god my vagina.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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