I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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