It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
