Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
