she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
