so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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