It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize