How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
