During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
