then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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