I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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