Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize