i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
