i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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