Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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