i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
