i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
