I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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