my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
