woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
