if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
