The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
