If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
