Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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