Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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