I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Randomize