wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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