I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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