so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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