I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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