i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
