I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
