i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
