i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
